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Fantastic Nine

2013 September 14
by pam artiaga

News broke out two days ago that J.K. Rowling, our queen and goddess, will be writing a screenplay based on her spin-off book Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. The story will be set about 70 years before Harry’s time and will follow the adventures of Newt Scamander as he studied the fantastic beasts in his famous book.

I’ll skip all my excited exclamations — but oh my god, J.K. Rowling is going to write a screenplay! — and get to the point of this post: the top 9 beasts I would like to see in the movie.

1. Chinese Fireball

I’d cheat and simply say “dragons!”, but that’s boring and lazy so I decided to pick a particular species. It was a toss-up between the pretty Antipodean Opaleye and the Chinese Fireball, but the Fireball’s speed and cleverness won out over the Opaleye’s pretty scales. I know Viktor Krum had faced the Fireball, but it wasn’t shown in the movies. Besides, it would be much more fun seeing a Fireball when you’re not worrying that your favorite book is being murdered.


2. Snidget


The Golden Snidgets were once used in Quidditch before Bowman Wright invented the Golden Snitch. They were on the verge of extinction when Modesty Rabnott campaigned against their use. The Snidget is closely tied to the history of Quidditch, not to mention animal rights activism, that I think every Harry Potter fan would count them among the top creatures they would like to see in the movie.


3. Lethifold

That name, lethifold, should be said in a deep scary voice (lethifooold!). The lethifold, aka the Living Shroud, resembles a cloak half an inch thick that glides along the ground at night and eats people in their sleep. This creature scared the crap out of me when I first read it. I spent a long night worrying that the lethifold would come get me and I don’t know how to do the Patronus Charm or even have a wand! (Although I think it was that same night that I dreamed of successfully casting the Patronus Charm, so yay!)


4. Quintapeds


Another scary monster, although “creepy” would be more appropriate. Quintapeds are spider-like creatures with only five legs. They can only be found in the Isle of Drear, which has been made Unplottable, and are said to have originated from a wizarding clan who were all transformed into the scary creatures by a rival clan.


5. Demiguise

This monkey-like creature’s hair is used for Invisibility Cloaks, ’nuff said. Not Ignotus Peverell’s Cloak of course, but still…


6. Runespoor


The runespoor is a three-headed serpent favored by many dark wizards. The three heads have different personalities and constantly fight with each other. It would be fun to see the runespoor from the perspective of a Parselmouth while the heads are hissing insults at each other.


7. Nundu

Another f*cking-scary beast. It looks like a giant leopard and can move very silently despite its size. In Fantastic Beasts, Newt Scamander says that the Nundu is arguably the most dangerous magical creature. Before that, I thought it would be the Basilisk. But the Nundu’s breath can kill entire villages. You don’t have to look directly into its eyes to die. You only have to smell its stinky breath — which is a disgusting way to die, by the way. So I will have to agree with Mr. Scamander.


8. Mooncalf

Mooncalves are intensely shy creatures that only emerges during the full moon. Before mating, mooncalves perform complicated dances in isolated areas, sometimes leaving geometric patterns in fields. I love this explanation of crop circles.


9. Winged Horse

I wasn’t going to include winged horses because they have appeared in the movies, but they are horses with wings! (That’s like a bed with a ladder!) I want to see all the breeds: Aethonans, Granians, and particularly the Abraxans and of course the Thestrals.


Why 9 instead of 10? Whovians will get it. Also, I’m hoping that after screenwriting Fantastic Beasts, J.K. Rowling would not be opposed to writing a Doctor Who episode.

And to those people saying “Harry Potter is back!”: What are you talking about? Harry Potter never left.

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